The Indigo Adult: Part Two

I hate labels so therefore it seems kind of odd that I would embrace the label of an "Indigo Adult". The thing is, I don't see it as a label. Labels are constructed to make things easier. We like to attach labels to people because we think it will make us understand them better. Labels have associations and connotations that are, for the large part, negative. But this isn't a label that I have had placed on me. It's a label that I have actively sought out (when I say actively sought out, I mean, I listened to my soul and it guided me to this) and it's a something that I embrace. Because the comfort and security it offers me is necessary for me at the minute.

Let me tell you about my journey. When I was a child I knew I was fundamentally different from all the other children. Though this didn't stop the want and need to fit in. One of the first things I challeged in life was the idea that God existed. I have since thought about different views of God but the notion I was rejecting was that of Catholicism. This was only because it was the only God I'd heard of. What I didn't like about the whole idea was that if I believed God existed I would then have to believe that the Devil existed. I didn't like the sound of this Devil chap and so I rejected him. I refused to live in fear of him. I was quite prepared to give God a chance, seeing as he was the "good" one but my peers all told me that if I believed in one I had to believe in the other. So I became a non believer. In some ways this worked out ok as my mum didn't want us growing up with religion rammed down our throats. In other ways, it further isolated me from my peers.

I rebelled at secondary school in much more normal ways. I died my hair green/blue/pink, I got my face pierced, I listened to music that elders (except my parents) disapproved of. I found my niche for a while. There were others like me who didn't fit in with the rest of socirty. Didn't want to fit in. At university I studied Sociology. This confirmed all my beliefs that EVERYTHING was a social construct designed and put into place to control us. This further developed my need for the world to be a better place. I spent my teens and 20's in a blur of experience. At times I thought only about where I was and who I was with. These were truly happy, liberating times. At other times I thought about myself and asked mysdelf why, even when I was doing all this awesome stuff, did I still feel so empty inside.

But it was none of this that made me question my place in the world so much. It was always, always, through my relationships with people that made me wonder what I was meant to be doing. It was in the dark times when I didn't feel good enough that I dipped into my psyche and wondered why I felt so out of sync with the rest of the world. I didn't understand any of it. I wrote poetry, I read Paulo Coelho, I saw the beauty in things but I couldn't share my joy with anyone.

As I approached 30 the frustration grew and grew. I wondered what had I done with my life? Where did it go. In my head I was ready to settle down and have a family but my soul still felt so restless it was too scared to take that plunge. It was during this time that I really delved deep into myself. The depression that I had tried to ignore throughout my whole life finally took a grip of me. It was kind of like it was saying "Look girl, you are going to feel like this whether you run away or not. You might as well just ride it out and get it out of your system". So I did. I had counselling, anti-depressants and family to help me through it. I also started to put the feelers out. I researched spirituality. It's such a vast arena that there is always going to be so much that you don't identify with. But, you don't focus on that. You focus on the parts that speak to you and make your soul shiver with excitement.

Paulo Coelho has been one of the most influential figures in my life. He is the one that introduced me to a God that was different from the God in the eyes of Christianity that I was brought up with. I still find it hard talking about God though. It's just a name, a label, but the associations are strong. When I was going through difficult times I didn't want to pray to God. Instead I turned my music up full blast, danced 'til it felt so good and then I projected all this good energy and feeling out to the people I loved and cared about. This is the beauty. It's so personal we can honour and celebrate whatever way we see fit.

But, for sure, the biggest challenge in my life has been understanding my depression. Even when I've been running away from it it's been there, lurking in the background and keeping me back. This is why I'm so ready to embrace being an Indigo Adult (although this isn't a personality you can choose) because it is the first thing that has made me realise why I feel the way I do. My rejection of professional help in the past has been a result of me knowing that this depression is something that runs deeper than a chemical imbalance. Yes, those things are real and can cause depression but, for me, I'd rather try out a different way of living before i resort back to numbing myself from the world. Counselling is different. No matter whether you are slightly depressed or chronically depressed, talking is therapeutic. Talking to someone who will not judge you no matter what you tell them is how we learn to love and accept ourselves.

I'm still working things out for myself. That will never stop. I don't mind. I enjoy thinking deeply and I have faith in myself. I know my struggles are not over. There will always be hurdles but every year of my life I am learning and growing and while I continue to do that I will always be ok. I have things to work towards. Aspirations and hopes for the future. For the first time ever I am sure of myself and my place in the world.